Here are some quotes that are either taken wildly out of context, or were just said humorously and recorded by this word maven and psychological investigator. My goal is to amass a light-hearted repository of verbal gaffes and slips. All quotes are used with permission.
    

NEW
1.  Everyone is welcome to post a 15-30 word quasi-factual rebuttal to any of the quotes.

 

> Darker boxes have been recently updated <

 
"I believe the earth is flat." (And money grows on trees and babies come from storks.)

"That wasn't Latrell that was Spreewell." (Actually they are one and the same Catherine!)

"He wrote a picture..." (Did he now!)
"I'm really self cautious about..." (Your vocabulary?!)
"I have a photogenic memory" (I think she meant 'photographic'--unless her memory is like her appearance ;)
 
"Malaysia!" (Describing how someone in Africa died--I think she meant 'malaria')  [Editor's note: uttered at 5:00am!]
"Twins!! She couldn't of had twins. He was a twin and it skips a generation." (Delta joining in and pointing out a logical inconsistency in the movie 'Taking Lives.' She asserts that because the father was a twin his wife could not have been pregnant with twins. Medical science surrenders.) [Editor's note: this and next were uttered at 5:00am!]

"Do you sleep in those?" (Asking Brian if he slept wearing his glasses. Brian responded that he didn't sleep wearing his glasses)

 
"That's worse than the guy that cried sheep...I mean wolf." (Commenting on Justin's loyalty during a game of Risk."

"We have 4 boards. How are we going to play triple board Risk." (With 3 of them Vafa; with 3 of them. Permission to post was contingent on mentioning the time of this quote: 5:40am.)

"Peace to the Plan. I just wanna have fun." (Offered in sarcasm since no fair-minded observer can ever question his allegiance to study circles, children's classes, and devotional gatherings.)

"PowerPoint; I have it on my resume, but I don't know how to use it." (Please forward this to all government agencies and companies in the private sector.)

"Do I count as visible?" (In a discussion about the new way in which certain populations will be counted according to their 'visibility' in the community. Of course you're visible Vafa, of course you are)

"Andrew looks good." (I'm sure it took a lot of inner strength to make such a statement.)

"Fields?! What does fields mean?!" (I see fields of green...)

"Peace to ethics I just want money." (Did I mention that I was thinking of going into business with Vafa?)

"Holy cow! I've never won two in row before." (I think its time you stopped betting 'edge' in heads or tails)
"I like the intellectual sports...like chess" (Let me guess Marc, you were a jock in High School)
"Sarah, your mom's hot." (It was used as an example of something so farcical that she would never say, but the quote was nonetheless captured, in all its glory, by my discerning ears.)
"We're men." (Upon learning this I immediately removed her from the Bachelorette page!) Rebuttal: actually said regarding her disapproval of many of the stereotypical and loathsome societal female attributes and habits.
"I try to come as late as possible to avoid the devotionals." (Mentioned tastelessly to explain his repeated tardiness at our CARDevotionals. But because we start the devotionals after 3 hours of games...he's never missed them!)
  "I'm going to make an adult website." * (Completely taken out of context from an inside conversation that was spiraling out of control until I uttered my, now infamous, "Quoted!")

"You like pizza on your chicken?!" (actually. ..)

"Can you see yourself in another country in Canada?" (like the US?! I'm confused.  Permission to post was contingent on mentioning the state of exhaustion and tiredness Sarah was in when mentioned.)
"Vafa, you and Martin need to get a life. You need to stop acting like a bunch of G's"* (Nika expression her frustration with the both of us—Vafa for doodling on his website at the expense of her usage of the home computer, and me for encouraging it.)

"I'm not a deep thinker." (Not taken out of context...a statement which the defendant can't imagine drawing my ire.)

"Missy Elliot." (Her absent-minded response after Sarah asked if there were any famous White female Rappers. She later claimed it to be just a  lapse, while the rest of us felt our IQ drop several points just from being in the same room in which it was spoken)

"Sow her wild oats, but she doesn't have any oats." (Describing the behaviour of a female friend until suddenly realizing that the expression is exclusive to men. Update: defendant now claims to have been recounting the story from a second source who was responsible for the slip. Who are you really going to believe? Manipulating Martin or Elucidating Elmo?

"Where is page 62?"* (Right after page 61 Elham, right after page 61)

 
"I hate girls—they're all retarded—they're all stupid." (uttered during normal conversation)

"If you got off earlier, it'd be better." (A profound statement, by Payam's standards, issued in discussions of getting off of work early to play basketball)

"I think I have relatives." (From Payam, comments like this hardly raise an eyebrow)
No acceptable quotes yet.
None yet.
Dave F. (pic removed per request) "I don't care what clothes you're wearing, or if you're wearing any clothes" (I felt more at ease after this comment.)

"Basically I'm not supposed to talk to you; you're Black." (In facetiously speaking to me about his lone cultural taboo in an otherwise culture free life. He later apologized, thinking that as a dumb negro I wouldn't catch the blatant sarcasm. :)

"I'm fertile. . .well the plumbing works." (FYI everybody)

"I don't tell anyone I have really weird fetishes." (A negative article was removed before the quote in question...Dave alleges to have only one fetish)
 
"It's dangerous to know you Martin." (Upon hearing of yet another plan to assail someone's character on my site)

"I'm disappointed; I thought I was going home with at least 4 wives, and now I'm not even going home with one."* (Misagh disillusioned after hearing all of these wild rumors about wife finding at Persian weddings.)

"I got better at chess." (Good to know, I'll pass that along to Marc)
 
 
No acceptable quotes yet. :(
"Pass my purse and a glass of water." (lol)
Pearl Downie  
"People have to suffer." (I love including sarcastic comments like this)

"The next step is putting up naked pictures of Sh_____ on the website." (Commenting on his perceived downward spiral of content featured on my website.)
Rama "I want to rally everybody for lunch, but I personally can't do it...I know my place in the universe." * (Lamented by Rama at his humble station in the world, which precluded him from steering a group of youth to a local restaurant. He enlisted help and eventually accompanied a group—headed by an alpha-male—to a nice eatery.)
 
"I think I need to be mobilized." (Describing what it takes for her to realize her capacity. It's quoted here because of how enfeebling it sounds.)
Louis Brunet "It's a tricycle." (In a laughter engendering, stinging rebuttal to Camron's belligerent insistence that his 200cc moped was in fact a raging Harley.)
 
Nick Lacoste "Blacks are taking over the whole world, they've already taken over Africa."* (My cousin is not racist, he just enjoys commenting on the world domination game of Risk where players are different color pieces who compete for planetary control.)
 
Elia Touesnard "It must be a Black thing then." (Spoken in regards to the Source of my dressing style, which I said was heavily influenced by my brother Brian.)
 
"I'm not very fertile." (Used as an analogy to the severity of Elham's statement, 'I'm not a deep thinker.') credit: elmo

"I can make anything sexual." (Referring to how I can twist any comment made into something more salacious.) credit: sham

"Typically I like to break up families...I don't know why." (Discussing my traditional approach for sharing guidance to a community—by mixing family members into different groups so that later they can share their diverse insights.) credit: justin

"I need a napkin, I'm going to cry." (Feeling cornered after Sarah accused me of hating babies and animals) credit: elmo

"I like his eyes." (I got busted uttering this suggestive phrase)

"I'm a very physical person. I'm probably going to beat my wife..."* (Good to know) credit: justin    Rebuttal: Referring to full-out assaults and not playful and joyful wrestling.

"Martin, you have a booger in one of your noses." (Which nose?)

"It always gets cut...usually." (Great Roake strategy Brian...any reason you're not F-class yet?--much love!)

"Who's going to be there? No girls!" (After I had said that Unc and Elmo would be present. He hadn't yet learned nicknames)
"Are Dan and Nan G?" (Looking over my shoulder at my e-mail inbox, Justin sincerely asked, to which I quizzically reply, "They're married." The last thing I remember him saying is, "That's not going on your website is it?" *)

"I don't even know who the secretary of our SMT is," (uttered when a community member was being ridiculed by our family for not knowing whom their SMT secretary was; at the same time Justin was sitting next to the SMT secretary, my mom. He didn't even bother asking the proverbial, 'Is that going up on your...")

"If you feel you don't need the Bahá'í Faith, peace to you." (Spoken calmly while teaching the Faith and explaining 'Individual search for truth'—the prohibition against forcing our beliefs on others.)

"Do you know how late it is? The mom came down in her bathrobe, she was pretty hot." (Commented to us as Justin came back into the car after dropping off a video game at a friend's house late one night after Feast)

"Ayafor Ayafor! That's his name?! I thought it was a typo" (After knowing Aya for a whole year)

"I'm not listening to either three of you." (Justin stating his independence from the self-serving advice offered by enemies in Risk.)

"I shared it with my friends; my one friend." (Sad, very sad, although he was just clarifying the statement to indicate that he only indeed shared something with one friend.)

"And it can't be me or Gordon." (I was explaining to Sahba and Elham that per my mom's requirements, one of the 'girls' would have to sit in the back of the car. Justin no sooner blurted this comment. Thanks Justin, thanks for coming out) Bonus...lacking paper I recorded the quote electronically here*. 

"Look what happens  when I go upside down--my hair goes upside down." (Justin won the Nobel peace prize in physics for this discovery) See picture

"I'm almost 16." (He's actually almost 18 on Nov 27th, but maybe he was just describing his maturity level.)

"Don't do it Martin...he'll honk his whistle." (I guess I won't do it now!)
 
Gordon REALLY hates this picture. Please make fun of him about it. "Clingier than a Clingon!" (Used spontaneously in describing an indefatigably persistent female. Remarkable in light of Gordon's loathing for the Star Trek Universe of which I am engulfed.)

"I would never buy a girl CD...I would rather buy an *Nsync CD." * (Mentioning how he would never buy a female artist's album and how it was better to be a man in the music biz. Afterwards he urged me not to include his comments lest someone think he was actually sexist. What do they say...the truth always hurts! j/k gordon, much love) 

"You make me sound like a sexist Trekkie." (Mentioned after reading these comments.)

"They don't look like criminals." (Quizzically and sincerely responding to my playful remark that the people in shiny vests cleaning the side of the highway were inmates. One of the few people left who still takes what I say at face value.)

"What's the Bayán?!" (Exclaimed when I mentioned this Holy Book in conversation. Relieved when I said it was the Holy Book of the Báb and not Bahá'u'lláh, he indignantly shot back, "How am I supposed to know that?!")

"He has hair chest." (Uhh...would that be chest hair, O Articulate one?)

"Oh, Baghdad is a city?"* (Yes Gordon, Baghdad is a city, even if it is written with all CAPS on the world map.)

"Who really wants a large Chief salad?" (Personally, I know I wouldn't want a Chief to be in my salad)

"In the gravity room." (His response when asked by Justin where astronauts in space go to the bathroom.)

 

"I'm not home if it's a wrong number." (My mom's ill-spoken instructions to me in case one of those blasted 'wrong-number caller's'  wanted to speak to her.)

"I wonder if someday they'll have an anti-VARS vaccine." * (Coming during the height of the SARS outbreak, from someone who's studied the virus and worked as a registered nurse to boot. She's anxiously waiting for the anti-Ulzheimer's drug to be released)

"Sham's the money!" (Yet another reason to limit certain expressions to certain demographics. I  think this gaffe is a combination of "Sham's money" and "Sham is the man")

"Who left this Sharma here?!" (I swear she has something with Shameem! or she has trouble saying 'Shawarma')


    An asterisks (*) indicates that while the meaning is technically accurate, the words used at the time may have varied slightly or the commentary's description is not a depiction of what actually happened. Where there is no asterisks the reader may assume that the quote has been entirely authenticated. Be aware that certain pictures have been flipped along the vertical axis to create symmetry on the page.